Overload

Holy Crap! So much have been going on in the last two weeks I can barely keep up. No time to blog, not that I don't have anything to talk about.

Here's a quick run-down of what I have been doing.

~Visiting with the constant stream of people I have been lucky enough to have come to Vegas and insist on seeing me. And I still have more on their way in the coming weeks too! (There will be a post on these visits soon, I promise)

~Having my knee sliced and diced and then 72 hours of a wrapped and immobile leg (Another post due for that one. My surgery experience wasn't the greatest...)

~Learning how to walk again without the aid of crutches. This is a lot harder than I thought. I get my stitches out tomorrow and find out about my physical therapy sessions to help me get full mobility back. Not looking forward to that.

~Getting the house prepared for my MIL's return after a month and a half on our own and doing whatever we want. Okay, confession. Charming did most of the preparations since I still couldn't move too much. But I'm a great director.

~Trying to spend every extra minute we have either packing up our house or looking for a new place to live. This takes a lot more emotion and energy then I have right after surgery and a harder recovery than expected.

~Attempting to not lose my head with the amount of stress I am dealing with regarding every single element in my life right now.

~Keeping quiet about some very good news we might have to share soon...

And you thought I was just sitting around with my feet up, didn't you?

Out Of Commission Appendage

Still feeling a little dopey and not up to writing about the whole surgery ordeal yet. I will say I am not sure how I feel about everything since nothing was like what I was told to expect and the doctor never came to talk to either Charming or myself when it was all over and done with. I think I have more questions and insecurities than before the procedure.

I will say I am now well versed in commercials and several HGTV programs after hours of non-stop television viewing. And we went through about seven bags of ice icing my knee.

So until I feel up to posting I will leave you with some pictures of my war-torn leg.

This is the bandage I had on my leg, from thigh to foot, from Thursday until Sunday. Kept me immobile and in more pain since the bandage was pulling on my stitches. (Sorry these are kinda dark. I took them with my crappy camera on my cell phone And that is a New Moon band-aid on my wrap. Charming decorated for me.)



This is the big reveal today after finally being able to take the bandage off. The relief of being able to finally feel my leg breathe is so wonderful. And I can shower after sitting in my own filth for three days. Plus I would like to get the autograph off my knee from where the doctor marked the correct knee to operate on. Nothing like having a huge RY on my knee along with the yellow iodine and bits of fuzz stuck to my leg. I was able to shuffle along on both legs like a 90-year-old man without my crutches so I am making slow progress. After showering I plan on decorating my knee with New Moon band-aids over my stitches, sent to me from best friend Marie for this specific purpose.



Hallie was so helpful in telling me that the two stitches sites look like nipples on my knee. So now all I see are puckered nipples when I look at my leg. Perhaps because the skin is puckered and I'm freaked I am going to have puckered scars that look like nipples forever. Charming assures me the skin will smooth out once the stitches are taken out but I just know with my luck I will have puckered nipple scars.

Or maybe this is the Zodol talking.

Not Feeling It

I had every intention of writing a few posts before my surgery on Thursday.

But I'm tired. And in pain. And not in the mood.

I have things to talk about but no energy to them.

Sorry.

Maybe after I get over this hump on Thursday, get past the terrifying idea of being put under and having someone do things to me when I am asleep I will be more inclined to write.

But not now.

Using My Condition For All It's Worth

After a sudden resurgence of swelling on my knee I tried resting off my feet for most of Tuesday and Wednesday. I have probably been pushing too much and on my feet far too often due to the constant stream of visitors we have had come to Vegas in the last week (post about that coming soon) I just can't say no to friends in town and although I felt fine while seeing them it was the hours later that I paid the price for hobbling around. So the pain and cantaloupe sized kneecap was mostly my own fault, although not enough that I wouldn't whine and complain to Charming and get him to be my slave. (Actually he would say he doesn't mind helping me and running up and down the stairs for me. But I do think he is getting tired of it all. Sucks to be him next Thursday.)

So I was a good girl and rested. And very slowly went insane. I always imagine I would want to live the life of leisure and lay around doing nothing. But when I HAVE to lay around and do nothing, I get bored with doing nothing very quickly. So I told Charming we needed to go out. It being St. Patrick's Day and me being (part) Irish it felt imperative that we imbibe in some good old fashioned drinking and carrying-on.

We headed down the The Strip, a place we usually avoid like the Plague but would most definitely have the best Patty's Day parties. After quickly discovering the Irish pubs had hugely expensive cover charges we decided get a drink and parking near the parties was as good as we could get. We could still hear the music and we could people-watch safely away from the crowds who might jostle my bad knee. It was the best of both worlds.

I wanted green beer and a strawberry daiquiri and found the daiquiri first. As I hobbled on my unsteady crutches up to the counter the female bartender got a look of sympathy on her face almost immediately at seeing my pathetic state. I actually looked down to make sure I was still clothed appropriately since she gazed upon me with such sadness. Surely I didn't look that bad.

"Oh sweetheart," she cooed, her fake breasts pushing against the counter as she leaned over to talk to me more intimately. I immediately jabbed my husband discreetly in the ribs so he would pick his jaw off the ground. "What happened to you?" the bartender asked, grabbing my hand like a long lost friend.

"Oh, I shredded my meniscus," I nonchalantly stated, so over the problems with my knee and just wanting to get my drink on.

"That's horrible!" she squealed. "You poor, poor thing! How did you do that?" The bartender continued to stroke my hand, soothing me, the pathetic creature trying to live a full life in my decrepit state. My husband started to drool and I conveniently placed my crutch on his instep to jerk his attention back from bliss.

I laughed at this beautiful woman and gave my patented blithe answer I have been giving everyone who asks me this. "I saved a child from a burning car," I said with a smirk, waiting for her to chuckle and ask what really happened and then tell my boring I-turned-wrong-in-my-kitchen story.

The bartender's eyes got huge and she gasped. "You are amazing! What a good citizen! Wow! Here!" she screamed, thrusting my eight dollar drink at me and clapping her hands over her ample bosom. "Your drink is on me since you are such a wonderful person!"

I stood there in amazement, unsure at what just happened. Charming shook out of his reverie and whispered in my ear "Leave a dollar for a tip and let's go! She gave you the drink for free!" I muttered a thank you and hobbled away, still not exactly sure what just occurred.

"Did she actually think I hurt my knee saving a child from a burning car?" I asked Charming in disbelief?

"Yup! And now we are going to see if anyone else believes you so I can get a free drink too!"

This is why we make such a great team.

Age Inappropriate

It finally happened today.

I was totally unprepared and not expecting the sheer horror of this event.

While part of me knew it was coming someday, I had no idea that today would be the day.

The day I had been dreading for quite some time.

Today...it shall live in infamy. It shall be the day all I knew changed, and not for the better.

Today was the day I found my first white hair.

Take a moment and let that particular horror sink in. Become as angst-ridden as I am as I tell you this terrible fact. Because the worst is yet to come.

That horrible, terrible, awful white hair...it was not found on my head.

*SCREAM!!!!!!*

A little side-note here. The hair in question is NOT gray. It is WHITE. This point must be made clear because a certain husband, that shall remain nameless so when I discreetly dispose of his body no one is the wiser, began jumping around the house, singing "VP's got a gray hair! VP's got a gray hair!" And he laughed at my insisting it was in fact white. It was NOT ugly gray and wiry. It was white and distinguished and fine. In fact it could have almost been called white-BLONDE. Let the record show I am NOT going gray. I am going a far more acceptable (in my mind) white.

So yes, while tending to some *ahem* landscaping today, I discovered the offending hair. Part of me is mortified because, well, it is my first non-pigmented hair. The first sign of my getting older. The other part is so happy no one can see this terrible occurrence due to its private location and the fact I ripped that sucker out by it's root so fast I saw spots after I held the lurking enemy in my fist. My shriek of pain is what brought Charming running. Seeing the tears running down my face he immediately thought I had hurt my knee more. When I refused to show him what was clenched in my hand he deftly extracted the evidence of my rise in age by throwing a cat at me. As I caught the flying feline, the hair drifted to the counter where my husband promptly scooped it up and whooped, happy to have a partner in a part of the aging process he has been dealing with for some years. As he danced around and taunted me with little ditties dedicated to my new found horror I promptly jabbed him in the ribs and told him to cram it.

Because that is what older, sophisticated white-haired* women do.

*NOT gray!

**Ironically enough, while searching for a picture of a kick-assed white haired woman (Google Image: white hair) to put on this post I came across this guy, Ben Whitehair, in every search. He is much better looking than anything else I could think to put on here. And an actor too! I am sure he will be thrilled with the fact I am putting his cute picture on a post about my white nether region hair.




VEGAS! Sights: Anne of Green Gables
VEGAS! Sounds: "Billie Jean" - Chris Cornell
VEGAS! Soliloquies: Demon Ex Machina by Julie Kenner

I'm Such A Thirteen-Year-Old Girl

New Moon comes out on DVD in one week. I know what I will be watching while laid up with holes in my knee.

There was much debate on what DVD version of New Moon I should pre-order (because of course I pre-ordered my copy.) Each one offered by the different stores had different extras. Did I want more behind the scenes footage or red carpet interviews of the premiere? Or did I desire a special necklace that came with the movie? Perhaps special sneak peeks to the new Eclipse movie (Due out June 30th. I know what I will be doing on my anniversary weekend. And now Charming does too.) were what I needed. The options were overwhelming and a bit frustrating because what if I wanted it ALL? I certainly was not going to buy five different versions of the same movie (Okay, my husband was certainly not going to allow me to buy five different versions of the same movie)

I finally decided to stick with the Borders Exclusive version of the New Moon to match my extended DVD of Twilight. I'm all about keeping things consistent. But part of me was a tiny bit upset at not getting the Wal-Mart Special Edition because I wanted to see the exclusive scenes for Eclipse.

I should have never worried. Someone always finds a way to put everything on the Internet. So while I was squeeing in delight like a teenage girl over the fact the new Eclipse movie website is up and the new trailer is available to dissect, I also managed to discover the very special scenes I so desperately wanted to see.

And because I know you all care as much as I do about this stuff, I have included every delicious bit below. Repeated watchings are necessary in order to count all of Taylor Lautner's abs and Robert Pattinson's brooding looks.

ONLY 109 DAYS UNTIL ECLIPSE!!!

The Official The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Movie Website

The (first) Eclipse Trailer (focusing on the love-triangle)



The special Eclipse footage from the Wal-Mart New Moon DVD



I am so excited I can't stop watching it. Yup. It's official. I have reverted back to my dorky, teenaged-self salivating over my newest obsession.

Slice And Dice

I need surgery.

Drat.

Apparently I SHREDDED my meniscus. Not stretched. Not ripped. Not tore. I SHREDDED it. Those are the exact words the doctor used. When I do something I do it with purpose. The doctor said I probably have been slowly ripping it a tiny bit here and there over the years. Every time I felt a twinge in my knee or if it felt like it popped out for a second and then was fine? Yeah, I was tearing that little important part. And then last Tuesday night was the final tweak that SHREDDED it. I keep saying SHREDDED in all caps because it sounds so dramatic and horrible. Makes me feel important.

The good news is my doctor is really good and has worked on Tom Brady's, Andy Roddick's and Joe Montana's knees. So I feel like I am in pretty good hands. Also, he told me this was a very routine procedure, something he is very good at and has done a million times. And it can be done arthroscopically, a simple half hour deal with only two smallish holes in my knee. I am out of work for two days so I can elevate my knee above my heart (how I do that hasn't occurred to me yet) and ice it for two days to prevent swelling. Now here is where I got to make a choice. I could have the surgeon just cut everything away that is shredded and after two days recovery I would be on my merry way. But I could possibly have more knee problems, not to mention arthritis in my future. The other option is the doctor repairs the meniscus with sutures and then I wear a straight leg brace for six to eight weeks just while I walk. I went with the repair, despite the annoyance of a brace. I just want my knees to be healthy in thirty years so a little discomfort now is a small price to pay. And luckily I don't have to wear the brace when I sit or sleep, just when I walk.

I am surprisingly okay with all of this. I mean, I don't want surgery but the alternative is not something I want to face. I have a coworker that refused to get this surgery and he now has a permanent limp. He advised me if surgery was an option I should get it because he will regret not getting his all of his life.

I am actually having more problems with the idea of having scars on my knees and the fact I have to be put under than with the actual surgery.

Surgery is scheduled for March 25th. So I have two weeks to freak out.



VEGAS! Sights: Parenthood
VEGAS! Sounds: "Goodbye" - Kristinia DeBarge
VEGAS! Soliloquies: Demon Ex Machina by Julie Kenner

A Foggy Through The Pain Update

Because I am too tired and in too much pain to do more than write in bullet points...

~Charming spent his birthday alone, at a casino, gambling money he saved for his birthday. I had to work. He was miserable, I was miserable. It was not a fun day. And then he came home and read the post I did for him yesterday and bawled. My husband does not bawl. That is how crappy a day he had. Although he said they were happy tears because he felt so glad to have me in his life. But I still felt bad since my bum knee caused him to focus on bad things rather than good things like I intended.

~When I called my Dad Wednesday to tell him what had happened to me I prefaced the call with the statement "Who do you think could manage to throw their knee out while simply cooking?" He answered without a beat "Well, if it wasn't me it had to be you." My Dad and I share the accident-prone, injury magnet gene. He knows me all too well and I know how easy it would have been for him to do the exact same thing I did. Nice to know I have company in my miserable roster of maladies. Some times all my Dad and I do is sit down and compare injury stories, stitches records and scar counts. It's our thing.

~I was feeling slightly better this morning. Able to put more weight on my foot and move around a bit better. Then I got my MRI. They had to twist my knee to get the shots needed of my inner kneecap. Painfully twist my poor sore knee. And then I got to hold that painful pose for 40 glorious minutes. While trapped in a steel cage. I felt like Mad Max in Thunderdome waiting for my next opponent but unable to move. For 40 minutes. While it felt like the world was crashing down around me if I focused on the noise emanating from the machine lasering into my knee. Thank goodness it was not an enclosed MRI, but being alone in the cage while in a painful position was bad enough. When I was finally finished the tech looked at a few of my scans and whistled. Then he pointed out the large gray areas around my kneecap. "That? That's ALLLL fluid. Wow, you must hurt pretty bad." Well, yeah. Yeah I do. Thanks for pointing that out. I go back on Tuesday to find out the results and face my destiny. Brace or surgery. Charming is convinced they are going to have to amputate at the neck.

~I felt so icky after the MRI I tried to call in to work. Problem is, no one to cover for me. So I forced myself to come in. On the way someone cut me off and then slammed on their brakes as the traffic ahead of them that I was keeping a safe and sane distance behind stopped. Instinctively I pushed my left foot down to brace myself as I hit my brakes with my right and hoo boy, the obscenities my car heard me say. Luckily I did not hit the guy but I did even more damage to my knee. How am I supposed to keep a safe distance between cars if people cut me off? Answer me that traffic Gods! because this is not a one-time occurrence, it happens all the time. I am being safe and driving responsibly and idiots constantly take advantage of the space I leave ahead of me and cause me to react rashly to avoid collisions. And the kicker would have been if I had hit him it would have been seen as my fault! If I wasn't going to be late for work I had half a mind to stalk the asshole and figure out a way to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Because I am incredibly vindictive when I am in agony.

~I haven't gotten a chance to watch ANY of the shows from last night due to MRIing and being in pain I passed out before work. I know The Office was a doozey. I heard there was some controversy about the ending but I don't know any more than that. Hopefully I get to see it soon.

~Next Wednesday we try for round two of Charming's Birthday Fun Day, with me taking a more sit back approach obviously. But I am bound and determined to make him have fun dammit!

Birthday Wishes

Before I get into wishing my darling husband a very Happy Birthday I have to sidetrack and say Happy Birthday to my Papa! His birthday was yesterday and throughout the entire craziness of the day (which if you read my previous post you complete understand) I neither called him nor remembered to post his birthday wishes. So not only am I horrible wife but I am a horrible granddaughter too. Papa, I love you, hope you had a fabulous birthday and hope to see you soon!

To my hubby,

You are the light of my life, the reason I get up each morning. You make impossible things seems possible when I have you by my side. I know you have been through hell in the last few months. My heart breaks all over again when I look into the depths of your constant sad expression. I know you try to put on a happy face for me and your mother, but that great loss is there and it is true and I am sorry you have to carry around that much pain. But know that I will always be with you, loving you and supporting you and helping you through. I love you more than words can say, than stars in the sky, than dreams in my heart. You are my everything. May you have a truly wonderful birthday and I look forward to 35+ more years with you. Also a chance to redeem myself after this year's debacle. :)

Love,
Your Well-Intentioned, If Slightly Impaired (Physically And Now Definitely Mentally After Yesterday) Wife,
Vegas Princess :)
& Portia and Nerissa too!

And because it will totally make him laugh...

The One Where I Screw Everything Up

They say the best intentions are what's important.

I am trying to cling to that as a lifeline after I managed to ruin Charming's Birthday Fun Day.

That's how much I wanted today to go off perfectly. I gave today a title. And capitalized it.

It's that important.

You see, I knew this birthday was going to be rough. It is the first birthday after his Dad's passing. Another major milestone in what I am sure will be a whole year or more of difficult occasions. Plus, his mother is not here since her vacation to Houston and Pennsylvania took her away this month. So I decided I was going to make this the absolute best birthday I could for my darling hubby. Because he deserves to have some fun and do things he enjoys. I love making his birthday special every year, but this time I was going to pull out all the stops. My husband was going to have the best doggone 35th birthday I could give him. Come hell or high water.

Well, my determination got beat by lots and lots of water and good dose of hell tossed in too.

I started planning weeks ago. I mapped out our Day 'O Fun (See, caps again. This is important!) and filled it with activities he enjoys. We would start the day with some Rock Band, something we have not had the time nor the inclination to play since moving in with his mother. But I knew Charming missed it so I made sure to make some time. Then we would visit a local indoor mini race car track he was dying to try out. I snagged a coupon so my man could drive his laps while saving money too! Nobody says you have to shell out big bucks to have fun. Then it would be off to dinner with some of our friends at his favorite seafood place because my hubby loves him some crab. We would cap off the night with tickets to see Phantom of the Opera: The Las Vegas Experience and then he could delve into the poker room for a few hours of hopefully winning money.

I was going to be the perfect day. A day filled with what makes him smile. And that is what I wanted to accomplish most. I wanted to make him smile and be happy for a day since there have been so many days of unhappiness lately.

We got the tickets to the show, we secured the time to meet for dinner and we waited for the Birthday Fun Day to arrive. But secretly I was planning even more. I wanted to pull out all the stops so I decided to *gasp* cook and bake! Plus I had to obtain the perfect birthday present. I had more work to do.

So yesterday I got the recipes for two of Charming's favorite things, spaghetti pie and Oreo cookie cake, from my mom, and made some excuse to my husband so I could set out alone to get all the ingredients and find him a gift. I had the general idea what I wanted so I headed to the coin shop. And there I found the perfect present. A Carson City Morgan silver dollar. Charming collects coins and he has always wanted a Carson City Morgan silver dollar. It was something he and his Dad talked about a lot. I knew that would be the most meaningful gift I could get him. And I found one that was uncirculated! My gift done I set out to find something for the kitties to give their Daddy (yes, we get gifts from our fuzzy children too.) Portia and Nerissa instructed me to get Charming something more funny. When we had gone to this department store before Charming noted a display of Dr. Seuss books and stuffed animals. He exclaimed over The Lorax book and plus toy, stating it was the only Dr. Seuss book he liked and he often had his parents read it to him when he was little. I figured those were the perfect things for his girls to get him. So the Lorax was added to the gift pile.

After going to the grocery store and getting all my ingredients, I went home to begin to cook and bake. Charming had gone to work so I had about four hours to get everything done before he came back home. I made the cake first and let it cool before frosting while I put together the spaghetti pie. But of course, because I am a disaster in the kitchen, I read the recipe incorrectly. Well, actually I interpreted something I shouldn't have interpreted. The recipe called for 1 package (6 oz.) of spaghetti. But at the store all the packages were 12 or 16 ounces. I figured my mom had left off the 1 in front of the 6 and got the 16 oz. package. And then I cooked it all. And added the butter, eggs and cheese to it to make the crust of the pie. When I piled it in the pie plate I realized my mistake right away. It was heaping everywhere and obviously WAAAYYY too much. So I made a quick decision and decided I would just make two, each with just a bit more spaghetti. But this meant I had to run out to the store and get a few more things since I had only bought enough for one pie. But I had time.

However, I miscalculated how long it would take me to now put two pies together. The clock was ticking and I still had to bake both pies and frost the cake and wrap the presents and blow up the balloons. I picked up the pace a bit and quickly turned left from the center island to the stove in order to add the spices to the meat I was frying.

That's when I heard it.

POP. POP. POP.

And my left leg collapsed under me.

When you hear things go POP in your body it is a surreal experience. There is no pain right away. This gives your brain time to process the fact that no sound such as POP should come from a human body. And then the pain hits and all you see is red and you forget about sounds because your entire head is buzzing.

I was crumpled half propped up against the island as I realized I was in trouble. I didn't have time to sit and baby my leg. I couldn't ice it or figure out what was wrong. I had things that were spitting grease three feet above my head. I had to carry on.

So carry on I did. A....lot......slow......er.....I did not know how much I relied on two working knees before I no longer had the use of one of them. It was painful. It was miserable. It took all the joy out of what I was doing because I just wanted it done. I managed to finish five minutes before Charming pulled into the garage and grit my teeth as I recorded his surprised face at all my hard work on our new Flip video camera. Of course then I had to explain why I couldn't walk and why the kitchen sink looked like a bomb went off because I ran out of time and gumption to clean it all up. But when I looked at Charming's face, and saw the remnants of the tears he cried on the way home because he was missing his Dad, I knew I had done something special for him and that was more important than my silly knee. Which was sure to feel fine after a good night's sleep.

Oh, I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, WRONG! I'll call it wishful thinking because I knew how much we had planned to do today. How much fun we were supposed to have. I didn't want to be held up with a bum knee. That was not part of the plan.

But when I woke up and couldn't even move my leg, let alone put any pressure on it to walk, I knew I was in trouble. After attempting to get to the bathroom about half a dozen times Charming suggested we call the doctor. I vehemently refused, not wanting to spoil our special day. But then I couldn't get back up off the toilet, I relented. I was not going to snap back like I had hoped. Plus it is taking me ten times longer to do EVERYTHING.

No bother. We'll pop down to the doctor and then can still make it to the indoor race track, dinner, the show and poker. We own Rock Band so it's not like we can't do that another day.

We get to the doctor and wait. And wait some more. By the time we see him (he did squeeze us in after all) I have calculated in my head that we can skip the indoor race track and still make it to dinner, the show and poker. We can still salvage the day. Besides, the track isn't going anywhere. We can go another day.

After some excruciating twisting and lifting and lowering, my doctor pronounces that he believes I tore some of the ligaments on my inner knee cap and I need to see an orthopedic surgeon to determine the best course of action. But good news! There is one on the way home that can take us if we leave now. So we trek over, fill out the book of paperwork for new patients, and wait, and wait some more. I ponder why an orthopedic and sports medicine place doesn't have automatic doors as my husband leaps up several times to help people in wheelchairs and on crutches get in and out of the building. I also begin to covet those automatic scooters I see some people have and try to figure out how to get the doctor to hook me up with one. Or jump some old lady in the parking lot. Well, make my husband do the jumping since I am impaired.

We get into the room (finally) and I look at the time. Sadly I have hubby cancel our dinner plans. But if we leave by 5 PM we can make it home to change and still get to the theatre on time. I am wheeled off to X-ray in the nick of time as Charming has begun to whine about how hungry he is and how much he wants spaghetti pie, making me feel more and more guilty. I suffer through the twists and turns of getting X-rays and come back to the room to wait some more. Finally the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance and declares I need an MRI before he can do more. To him it seems I have either pinched or broken my meniscus (it sounds important, damn) and an MRI will tell him for sure. But I have to wait until the insurance okays it. I am sent away with crutches and prescriptions for anti-inflammatory and Lortabs. I am finally done.

We zoom home with just enough time to change and scarf down some spaghetti pie. Charming says it is good but we eat so fast I am not even sure he tasted it. No time for cake so we saved that for later. We were in the car by 6:10 PM ready to get to the show for 7:30. We get to the casino, park (of course on the complete opposite side where we need to be) and make our way to the theatre (I only got jostled three times and on the third screamed out such a bad obscenity I heard my mother chide me from Massachusetts. Hobbling through a crowded casino on crutches is NOT fun. Believe me, I have suffered so you don;t have to, so don't do it.) We arrived at 7:10 PM, and I was proud that we made it with time to spare.

Except the show started at 7 PM.

I lost it. This was the ONE thing we were still going to be able to do from our Birthday Fun Day and now we had arrived too late. And I know Phantom, a lot happens in those first ten minutes. I burst into tears and blubbered the whole story to the lady behind the counter. Charming's Dad passing, me wanting it to be a special day, hurting myself, wasting the whole day at doctors' offices, looking forward to this show as the one thing we could still do. I pleaded with her, could we please change the tickets for next week? It wouldn't be Charming's birthday but I didn't want him to miss out on the show because of my stupid leg and inability to double-check times on tickets.

The lady looked sympathetic and said she would be right back. I cried openly at the counter, not caring who saw me falling apart. Charming was trying to soothe me, saying it didn't matter, he wasn't upset, but I was upset. I felt like a failure. Nothing we were supposed to do happened and he certainly did not experience the birthday I had wanted him to have. Instead we waited around all day for nothing and he starved and was bored and miserable. This was supposed to be HIS day, his time to enjoy himself and not dwell on bad things. And I had ruined it all.

The lady came back and said her boss had allowed her to change the tickets to next week, even though they have a no refund or exchange policy. We thanked her profusely, or rather Charming did because I was still crying too hard. So we'll get to see the show after all, just not on the night expected. Charming asked if I wanted to go home but I told him no. He had to go play poker. It was the last thing he could do to try to salvage this crappy day. So now I sit here, writing up this post, as he's over at a poker table playing his hands. My knee is killing me but I don't care. He deserves this little bit. This tiny piece of Birthday Fun Day I could still deliver. Despite my gimpiness.

Happy Day

Just a quick note to wish my good friend Jessica a very Happy Birthday today! She turns 29...again. May you have a very happy and fabulous birthday, wish I was there to help you celebrate. But you know, work, no money and trying to make a playmate for Sara takes up a lot of my time.

Love you sweetie!

*I figured this picture is more appropriate (plus the obvious Twilight reference) than the one I wanted to post, Jess is a mom now after all.

Ugh, Grunt, Sigh

Things have been crazy busy due to me having to work an insane new later schedule, my MIL leaving for Texas and Pennsylvania for a month and still trying to get the bank to approve the short sale of our house.

I promise to be back soon. I just have no time to do anything. I even stopped sleeping to fit it all in. Well, maybe the no sleeping thing is from stress. The heavy diet consisting of mostly chocolate and caffeine is definitely due to stress and I will need to do something about that soon or huge problems will arise. Like me not fitting into any of my fat clothes.

Lots of stuff coming up though, including Charming's birthday, visits from friends (also possible visits from some other friends, fingers crossed), an actual night out alone, in fact a whole month alone, packing up our house, and the release of New Moon on DVD. Okay maybe that last one is more for just me but I am excited.

Stay tuned! Hopefully I will have updates on my crazy insurance baby scenario, the house and our own baby-making progress.

The Big Meet

Today is my good friend Hallie's 40th 30th birthday. In another life she, her wonderful husband John, Charming and I were going to take a special birthday trip together this March. But a lot of things happened, like losing loved ones and sending sons off to war, that kept us from being able to take that trip this year and for that I am very sad. However, this does not mean that we will never take this trip, just not for her 40th birthday. I do hope we can manage to go before my 40th. I mean my 35th.

I wanted to do something special for Hallie since I love her dearly and need to make her special day even more special. Charming and I called her this morning and had a lovely chat, wishing her happy birthday and making her laugh with my stories about scheduled sex (yes, it is written on our calender which days we need to do it) but it did not seem like enough. I needed another gesture since we are poor and a trip to the Prada store isn't in my near future anytime soon.

Then I remembered I never finished my posts about our trip to Massachusetts last August. Writing my Baby Boy [Last Name] post reminded me that I completely forgot to complete those entries. So I never wrote about meeting Hallie and John. And immediately I felt like I should be flogged for neglecting to recapture the pure joy of that meeting. I felt like a horrible friend, like I didn't care about meeting them and it was just any other day on our vacation. but the thing is, it wasn't just any other day. It was probably the best day out of that entire year. And now I remember why it took me so long to write about it. Because I wanted that post to be perfect. To perfectly reiterate how incredible it was to meet Hallie and John and how amazing it was to click so well with them. And how sad I was when we had to leave and know that we would soon be 3000 miles away from two people who could quite possibly be the perfect couple for us to do fun things with. Hallie and John just GET us, which is really hard to find. So I didn't write the post because I never thought I could write it in a way that would convey how much meeting Hallie and John changed our lives. I mean, we talked about MOVING BACK TO THE SNOW, just to be closer to them. Not in a stalker way but in a wow-you-are-really-great-friends-and-we-now -live-too-far-away-to-even-see-you-more-than-once-a-year-way.

But I am getting ahead of myself. I want to do this right. And make it full of compliments about Hallie because this is, after all, her birthday post. So she deserves to be adored and put on a pedestal.

MEETING HALLIE & JOHN

My parents live about three hours from Hallie and John. So on the Saturday of our trip we made the trek from Massachusetts up to Maine. Hallie is so incredibly wonderful she made sure we brought my parents with us because she had talked on the phone with my mom once (I held my cell phone with Hallie on it up to my land line phone with my mom on it who had called while I was talking to Hallie. They had a lovely conversation) and wanted to meet them too. So the four of us, myself, my mother & father and Charming, got up at the butt crack of dawn (7AM) in order to arrive in Maine with as much time as possible to spend with Hallie and John. The entire way I was sending Hallie progress texts. "We just left our driveway." "We are heading North." "We just left Massachusetts!" And Hallie would respond with different versions of "Hurry up and get your butts up here NOW!"

When we pulled up in front of their house I had a sudden case of nerves. What if she didn't like me? What if we found out we did better on the phone or through texts and this face to face thing wasn't going to work? I didn't have long to stew in my pit of self-pity though because this gorgeous dark haired woman came bounding down her front stairs and was jumping up and down on the sidewalk then practically dragging me out of the car to envelop me in a huge hug. When she was through with me she did the same to Charming and each of my parents and I knew instantly that everything was going to be okay.

We met John who was a bit reserved but welcoming and oh so handsome. I quickly determined he was a taller version of Charming, one who sits back and decides in time if he can relax around you. And John did warm up to us. He is so kind and warm and clearly adores his wife, which for me is always the best sign of a good man. Almost at once it was as if Hallie and I had been friends forever and this was simply our regular Saturday meet up with our hubbys. It was effortless and fun and just felt so right. A lot of that ease is due to Hallie herself. She is just so easy to be around. She's funny and sweet and just the right enough of quirkiness to offset my craziness.

We meshed well.

First on the agenda was the getting to know you part. We did some chit chat, discussed family members, our trip, things we had done on vacation so far. Enough talk to get used to each other. We got the tour of the house, which is beautiful and exactly where I would feel comfortable living. I always like to imagine myself in someone's house to see if we would be able to live there as a gauge of how compatible we would be. I used to do it with boyfriends but its a test that works well with couple friends too. Hallie and John's house is the perfect family house, just the right amount of comfort and coolness. After the tour we moved on to drinks. Because what is better in a getting-to-know-you situation then alcohol. Help relax everyone. And daiquiris are oh so yummy. Especially with penis straws. Yes, Hallie gave me a penis straw and I think I fell in love with her a little bit more.

Next we had some healthy competition with some rousing games of Wii Sports Resort. Hallie proceeded to whip my butt in jousting but I got her back in archery. John and Charming had an exciting battle of canoeing prowess and soon none of us could raise our arms too well any more. I do believe the Wii is the deciding factor in relationships. There are those who love to play and those who just don't get it. I am so glad Hallie and John are ones who like to play because it is so much fun.

Then it was off to dinner which was delicious and in a totally cool restaurant in a converted old warehouse. We happened to be in town (let me mention here that I love the town Hallie and John live in. It is the idyllic New England town with gorgeous scenery, rolling hills and this incredible river that runs through the center of town with waterfalls and gorgeous banks. I am a sucker for towns like that. They remind me of a Norman Rockwell painting) for their annual balloon festival. As soon as I heard that, and I made sure Hallie wasn't planning on flashing any balloonists this year because I didn't want to cramp her style by insisting we go over to see the candlelight ride, we headed over to the square to see all the balloons. Unfortunately there was a threat of thunderstorms so none of them got off the ground...until we had already left and were back at Hallie and John's house. But by then it was dark and we had a long drive back to Massachusetts. I didn't want to leave, we were having so much fun. But all good things must come to an end. We said our goodbyes, which took about an hour longer than expected since no one really wanted to leave. We made promises to see each other again, hopefully Hallie and John coming to see us in Vegas, and we headed out. The whole ride home Hallie and I continued to text back and forth, exclaiming about how much fun we had, how incredible we thought each other were and how great it was that we got along so well. But her last text to me summed up the experience meeting her so well I saved it in my phone:

"I can't believe how lucky I feel to have found you! :)"

I feel the exact same way, Hallie. And now you are stuck with me in your life. Get used to it.

Happy Birthday my friend.

Relief

My grandfather went home today.

I am so incredibly relieved I can not even describe how I feel.

The doctors diagnosed him with severe muscle cramps and today he was so much better. Hardly any pain. So they told him he could go home.

Best news I have had in a very long time.

Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts. They really helped me focus on not being so freaked out.

I'll be better when I can see him for myself in June, but for now this was a very good day.

Too Soon

I had every intention of writing a post today going on and on about the commercialism of this dreaded day and how much I dislike Hallmark telling me I need to show people how much I love them on this one day. And how Charming totally surprised the heck out of me by leaving the most adorable kitty necklace on my pillow last night when I got home from work, making me so glad I have him in my life to off set all these horrible feelings I have about this stupid holiday.

But then I got a phone call that secured why bad things always seem to happen to me on this day, why I don't trust it's gauzy chocolate sugar coating and go with my gut when I say nothing good ever occurs on Valentine's Day.

Those early morning phone calls are not something I like to receive. Hardly ever are they in regards for something to be celebrated. Today was no exception.

My beloved grandfather is in the hospital after being unable to get out of bed this morning. He has such excruciating pain in his lower back even the slightest touch sets him off screaming. And my grandfather is not one to show when he is in pain. So if he is hurting this bad I can only assume it is a thousand times worse. When my aunt got there after my grandmother called her, my grandfather told her he was done, he was through with everything. He was just so tired.

They got him to the hospital and got him admitted. The worst case scenario it is the aneurysm in his stomach leaking and putting pressure on his spine, in which case there is not much they can do since surgery would probably kill him. The best case scenario it could be a muscle spasm or extreme arthritis. They did a CAT scan and didn't see anything wrong, but the morphine and other heavy pain killers they have him on are not doing anything to lessen the pain. They can't do the dye test to check for leaks in the aneurysm because his kidneys can't handle it. He doesn't have kidney stones and he is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow. Until then, we wait. If it is the aneurysm I will be on a plane immediately because it is just a matter of time before it bursts. But we won't know anything until tomorrow. Until more tests can be made. I just hope they can make him comfortable.

I feel so helpless and far away.

We were planning on coming out for a visit in June. I can't stop thinking about that. And the fact I always dreamed he would hold his great-grand baby some day.

I always hoped my grandfather would go quietly, in his sleep. Just not wake up one morning and drift off peacefully. I really wanted that. I don't know if I can handle seeing another loved one suffer. Not so soon after losing Charming's dad in such a horrific and sudden way. That loss has been slowly getting more bearable. I am not sure if I will be able to keep it together this time around if I have to go through all that again.

I am not much of a praying person lately. Too many things have been testing my faith and making it fall up short. But I'm praying now. I'm praying hard and I hope God is listening and not turning away because I have been lax in my belief. Because I can't stand to hear that tone in my Dad's voice again when he told me about his father.

Not yet. Not for a little while at least.

My Dad thinks this may be it, but I am holding out hope. It's what I can cling to.

It's A Boy!

I always marveled at the show "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." It befuddled me how the women featured on the program had no idea another being was growing inside them. Wouldn't you pick up on the many signs having a baby produces over nine months? How could you miss the swollen boobs, aching feet or terrible gas? Not to mention the weight gain? Were all these women just so obtuse they ignored the signs their bodies produced? Is that what lead them to be surprised as all heck when that baby popped out? Complete an utter ignorance?

Well, color me obtuse because I appear to be one of those women. Apparently I had a baby and I didn't even know I was pregnant.

Or at least that is what my insurance claims.

I received an explanation of benefits form my insurance provider describing things that had been submitted for a claim. The first line was my x-rays in November, the result of my tumble down the stairs. The second, third and fourth lines made Charming, who had opened the letter, take pause. He called me over to take a look.

"Something you think we need to talk about?" he asked with a smirk as he handed me the form.

Apparently, while on vacation in Massachusetts last August, on the day of our huge family and friends BBQ, I got Baby Boy [Last Name] circumcised. I am amazed I pulled that off with all those people there. One would think I would have been extremely nervous about upsetting my guests with a surgical procedure display that was sure to make most of them lose their lunch. Charming was amazed I managed to have a baby without him knowing. I was amazed I had a baby I don't remember carrying, much less delivering and then surgically altering. I think I may have remembered a tiny bit about that. Doesn't seem like a event a person would forget.

I expect congratulatory presents to show up any day now...

So today I called my insurance. The lady I reached, we'll call her V, was intrigued when I told her I had quite the problem for her. I explained the situation leading up to the punchline that I don't even have any kids. Her response was so awesome I knew I had gotten the one person who was going to see this through and fix it right up.

"Well, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a baby and never remember it and then have him grown up and out of the house already. It's the perfect plan. All of the benefits of having a kid with none of the mess."

I knew V and I were going to get along fine.

V checked the claim and discovered my insurance had not covered any of the $605.00 owed. But she was having a hard time even pulling up a hard copy of the claim. She did see that there were two phone numbers for billing, a clinic name and a doctor's name attached to the claim for Baby Boy [Last Name]. V said the best place to start would be the two phone numbers and asked if I would mind being on a three-way call with her. At this point I was having fun, helping her figure out the problem so I agreed. We called the first number. They had nothing. No record of my last name or the account number on the claim. I asked what state they were in and they replied California. So now either a number got switched somewhere and my insurance was used by mistake or perhaps someone in California stole my insurance to get their baby's peter helmeted. This billing center gave us another number to try to add to our list. We called the second number and they had no idea where this claim had come from either.

I was starting to think this may not be cleared up as easily as I imagined. I thought since, hey, I don't have a kid, never had, it would be enough to get this all straightened out right quick. But apparently proof of my lack of descendants was not going to be enough.

We called the third and final number we had attached to the claim. This number was based in San Fransisco. They were not the clinic listed on the claim but a larger hospital of the same name. And they knew nothing about what we explained. None of these places had letters in their account numbers, unlike the account number that appeared on my claim. The plot thickened and we were both at a loss.

Since it stated that my deductible was applied to, but my insurance did not pay anything V stated she was going to hand the case over to the Adjustment Department and see if they could muddle things out. My deductible being paid, while may be good for me, still wasn't right because I couldn't help but think what if some poor family out there paid almost $300 to get their baby's pecker snipped and that money went towards my deductible. I would be taking money that was not mine. And I'm not that kind of person. (I was still under the impression that this was a number mistake and not someone stealing my insurance. Or at least I was hoping. I am terrified of identity theft.)

V advised me to call the Directory for the insurance and ask about clinics under the name that appears on my benefits form in the San Fransisco area. Maybe I could flush out where this claim first originated from. I thanked her and V thanked me right back for giving her a fabulous story to tell and an interesting case to look in to. She promised she would follow up with me and keep up things on her end.

So I called the Directory to find the clinic. There was only one place in that area with a similar name but it was a hospital, not a clinic. Then I remembered V mention a doctor's name. So I called my insurance back and got the name of the doctor, we'll call him Dr. M. And rather then calling the directory back Charming and I did what any average person today does when we need to find some information.

We Googled him.

Low and behold, Dr. M was listed as a physician for a clinic under the same name that appeared on my claim. Up in Sun Valley, NV (near Reno.) So I called the clinic in Sun Valley. As I spoke to the lady on the phone it started to sound like the right place. The doctor named in the claim did work there, the clinic was named the same and that doctor did perform circumcisions. Only problem was there was no record of a Baby Boy [Last Name] in their records. And the account number didn't bring up anything either. The lady took my name and number and told me her supervisor, who was in meetings all day today, would call me back tomorrow. But before she hung up with me she did mention that their billing is based with a company based in San Fransisco, hence the California phone numbers on my claim.

I called my insurance back and after telling the story again for the third time, I gave them the information for the clinic I found up in Sun Valley so they could add it to V's original notes about my problem. Then I called the clinic's billing company in California, who gave me the number for the regional branch of their company in Reno, who gave me the number for the hospital in Sun Valley that deals with all of their billing. Each time I had to tell the story all over again. And each time I got the same response: complete amusement and then complete bewilderment. No one had my last name or the account number on the claim in their systems. But the last guy I spoke to, the one who worked for the hospital that took care of the billing for the clinics and offices in the Sun Valley area, told me the account number sounded like a doctor's bill. That the letter that appeared in the middle of the account number usually indicates a doctor's claim. So he took my name and number and said he would call a couple people and see if he could find out anything, armed with the account number, my last name and the date of service. But he called me back with no new leads.

So now I wait to hear back from my insurance and the clinic I contacted to see if this can all be sorted out. And I can't help wish I had known about all of this last week when we had filed our taxes. Would have been nice to get that extra deductible.

On My Mind

1. I may be having a tough time with things in my life right now but they are nothing compared to what my good friend Hallie is going through. Her oldest son, CJ, is heading off to Afghanistan this week for a 14 month tour. I really wish I could be there to give her a big hug because I can't even imagine the pain and fear she is going through at this time. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts so that they may find a way to get through this very difficult time.

2. Do you have a friend whose calls you let go to voicemail if you are not in the right state of mind to speak to them at the time? I do and I feel horrible every time I don't pick up the phone. (And no, it is NO ONE who reads this blog so thinking I may be ignoring you.) It's just...I need time to prepare myself to talk to her. She is one of those people who has major problems in her life and her phone calls are always a gloomy recap of everything horrible going on. I feel like I need to keep everything I say as positive as possible so not to get her more down than she already is. I know, this sounds horrible. If she is having such a hard time I should be running to answer her call and talking to her immediately to bring her spirits up. But finding positive ways to spin things takes a lot of energy, energy I need to make myself get up each morning. I also always try to not say anything negative going on in my own life because she says she likes to live vicariously through my happy sunny existence. Right now, there is nothing happy or sunny going on in my life so I need some time to regroup before I call her back. I still feel bad for putting her off though.

3. I am loving the book series I am reading right now. My best friend Marie got me turned on to yet another fabulous one. Patricia Briggs is the author and it is the Mercy Thompson series. They are what you would call a paranormal series, featuring werewolves and vampires and fae. I am fascinated with the world created in these books and loved every minute of them. I am on to Patricia Briggs' next series, the Alpha and Omega series, which feature the world and some characters from the Mercy Thompson books but follows two other lead characters. They are the one joy I have some days. Losing myself in good books is my sole escape at times.

4. I am not really a Saints or Colts fan but I can't help finding myself rooting for the Saints to win the Super Bowl this Sunday. New Orleans has been through a lot and a win would mean so much more to them than anyone else, boost the morale of a city that has lost so much. I think I can relate to them now more than ever. So come Sunday I will be cheering on the black and gold, along with Ellen DeGeneres and her mama, who promised to paint her face for the game. I hope she does!

5. I am so happy my favorite shows are back with new episodes. They are all almost enough to distract me from the fact that Glee won't be back new until APRIL! April, people!! Stupid American Idol. However, the return of Lost, and in its final season, helps quite a bit. However, the first episode had me so confused I think my brain went away for a bit. It came back sometime Thursday night but I was worried for a while that the strain was too much and I was going to spend the rest of my days muttering about split worlds and white and black and temples and weird Chinese guys who refuse to speak English.

6. Baby making sex is really hard to do when you live in your MIL's house, she is always around and your bed makes this very loud squeaking/grunting sound. I'm just sayin'.

7. It's raining this week in Vegas again. I love it when it rains here. Everything smells so clean and fresh and the homeless stink is washed away. This makes coming out of work at midnight each night highly more enjoyable than my regular dash to the car, holding my breath so not to breathe in any funk that makes me gag routine. Yes, I work in the ghetto. When it rains I can dance pirouettes in puddles for hours and not worry about passing out from the smell of putridness that permeates the streets around me. Talk about glee!

8. I am still totally blown away by Pink's performance Sunday night at the Grammys. Talk about pure talent! This is what it is to be a true artist. She is amazing. And now no one should ever be allowed to lip synch again. Because if she can do that and still sound incredible, no one else has any excuse. Other than not being able to sing...

9. Work is nine layers of hell. But that is all I am going to say about that. On the bright side, I discovered the joys of video chatting at work when I am stressed to my limit. My best friend Marie (she does give me the most wonderful ideas) sent me an invite to a wonderful video chat site that works beautifully. It is so amazing to be able to see the person you are talking to. And there is no delay or digitizing. I sent several people invites in return and hope to amass an army of people to call at a moment's notice so I can see a smiling face when I need it most.

10. Hmmmm, I thought I had 10 things to talk about...



VEGAS! Sights: The Vampire Diaries
VEGAS! Sounds: "Hallelujah" - Justin Timberlake and Matt Morris
VEGAS! Soliloquies: Cry Wolf by Patricia Briggs

Sensitive

I came to an interesting realization the other day.

It is amazing how many movies deal with death or loss.

When you are sensitive to such things it seems everything is about what you don't wish to think about. Since Charming's mother has not been able to rouse herself to do much of anything on her own she spends a lot of time at home watching movies. With those handy Redbox kiosks and the convenience of out local library she often has quite a selection to chose from. Not to mention our expansive collection of movies we have amassed over the years. Since I love losing myself in a good movie I often watch several with her. Charming and I make suggestions of certain movies we have seen that we have enjoyed, thinking she would like them as well. My MIL doesn't go to movies often so she is a bit behind on what is out there and bases what she would like to see on trailers watched on TV months ago, a snippet of the movie snagged in her mind if she is interested. So we spend a lot of time trying to decipher what movie she is talking about from "you know, the one with that actress from that movie about the thing." When we can't figure out what she means we end up suggesting something else to tide her over until we can find the one she wants.

The problem is it seems we have a knack, more myself than Charming, of picking movies that deal with the subject matter we are trying to ignore by watching movies in the first place. People dying and leaving loved ones behind. One would think since we are sensitive to anything that might upset us and my MIL we could stay away from such films. But an impossible amount of movies deal with this thread in some way shape or form. Even with movies we have seen before we seem to forget about the subplot that features characters dying. One would imagine that would be apparent right away but it is not until the movie has already started that I think, oh crap, something bad is going to happen in a few minutes that is in fact vital to the plot but will affect all of us in a very terrible way.

I don't think we have been able to get through a whole movie yet without tears. Lots of tears.

Apparently I have a gift for opening up wounds that are trying to stitch themselves closed slowly.

This is the list of the majority of movies we have made my mother-in-law sit through in the last few weeks. We, her supposed loving child and child-in-law, unknowingly inflicting pain with the very thing we hope will take the misery away for just a few hours.

We suck.

(Note: Take care if you have not seen these films because I will be revealing some plot points that are important to the movie and will ruin the experience if you intend to view it at some time.)

No Reservations: I had always wanted to see this movie about a spunky chef (Catherine Zeta-Jones) sparring with a handsome male co-worker in a movie that revolves around on of my favorite subjects: food! I failed to remember the major plot was about the chef taking in her orphaned young niece after her sister is killed in a car wreck. The little girl's painful cries for her mommy made me and my MIL wail. Not even Aaron Eckhart's dimpled chin could save us from this one.

We Are Marshall: Why did I think this was just another football movie? The whole entire point of the movie is an entire football team, coaching staff, fans and boosters die in a plane crash leaving a West Virginia town rocked to the core and asking why. With only four football players left and one assistant coach who gave his seat on that fateful plane up to the team's announcer, the town finds a way to rebuild not only their football program but their hearts. This one made Charming cry not once but five times and his mother left the room after the first twenty minutes. Despite being buoyed by the fact the new coach was from Wooster, Ohio (my Dad's hometown) and there were some funny Wooster jokes and references, this movie was quite the downer. Even the victory at the end wasn't enough to stop the tears.

Dan In Real Life: Charming and I have seen this one before. I remembered it was sweet and funny and that Dane Cook is awesome in it. So I recommended it to my mother-in-law. The main character is a widower with three girls trying to date again after losing his wife. All the jokes in the world couldn't save us from that one.

Law Abiding Citizen: We found this one at the dollar theatre and Charming and I had really wanted to see it when it came out a few months ago. It got great reviews and everyone who saw it raved about it. Because it was only three dollars we convinced my MIL to come with us, assuring her we heard it was a fabulous movie. The main character's wife and daughter are killed in the first five minutes of the film and he spends the rest of the movie planning revenge on those who let the killers off light. That would have been all well and good if the father's anguish wasn't so palpable. Several times I saw my MIL crying as she watched his pain unfold in fifty foot wonder. Yup, we definitely suck.

The Other Man: This movie was really suspenseful. A husband (Liam Neesen) tracks down his wife's lover (Antonio Banderas) after she (Laura Linney) leaves him. He pretends to be his wife through emails to lure the lover out. All along we thought he was searching for his wife since she left. A man devastated by his wife's infidelity and his need to know if she ran into the arms of this other man. But when he finally "befriends" the lover to get close to him he reveals that she left by DYING! She got cancer and died a painful death at home after refusing treatment near the end and her husband finds out about her affair after she is dead. My mother-in-law and myself just sat there in stunned silence at this revelation. I couldn't believe it. A simple revenge story turned into so much more. And then of course, because I love to make things worse with my mouth, I said "Wow, I think this is the movie Liam Neeson was in the middle of filming when his wife died last year....it must have been...hard...for..." I trailed off as I realized what I was saying. I am a moron.

Other movies we have watched have not been about death specifically but have dealt with loss close to death to still have an impact. The Duchess was beautiful and very well done, but the emotions of watching a woman who had to give up the love of her life to live a life empty and meaningless to her rang way too close to home. Even District 9, in the end, had a wife mourning the loss of her husband after he turned into an alien. And The Ugly Truth...well no. That one with the loads of dirty talk and orgasm scene was just uncomfortable to watch with my MIL. Period.

I think I need to stick to animated Disney films. No heavy loss-centric story lines there.

As long as I stay away from Up, The Lion King and Bambi.

I'm Too Tired To Think Of A Snappy Title

Wow.

This blog has turned into a huge bog pile of suck, hasn't it?

I never intended for this to happen. To have things get so depressing and uninteresting. But I guess since my life is now very depressing and uninteresting that is bound to be reflected in my writing here. I have tried to come up with things to talk about other than how much everything really sucks now but it is so difficult.

Because I don't have a lot to be excited or happy about. My life is now firmly in the "after" category. I so want to go back and live in the "before."

You know what I mean. When something huge in life occurs there is that feeling about what your life was like before this event and now how life is like after. Like meeting the love of your life. It's hard to imagine life before you met them right? Because the life with them after is just so much better. Or a new job that fits you perfectly. Other jobs you had before are forgotten as you bask in the goodness that is life after finding your perfect occupation.

This happens with bad events too. Problem is, you achingly want to go back to how life was before the tragic event because after hurts too much. It's too different and scary and not like how your comfortable life was before.

And our after sucks HUGE donkey balls.

There I go being all depressing again.

The real problem is (Well, actually there are several problems. So many in fact. But I can't talk about them on here. At least not in the way I want to.) SO much has changed. They say some of the most unhinging and stressful things to occur in life are death, work troubles, relationship issues, debt, moving house and loneliness. Guess what? I am suffering from all of these! We had a devastating loss, my job sucks, my relationship with my husband is shaky (no to mention I have no time for my friends and have been avoiding a lot of family and friends because I just can't deal right now), we still can't sell the house and have no money for anything, we moved in with my MIL and despite being around people 24/7, I feel so alone because I have lost myself somewhere in this whole mess.

It's a wonder I'm not crazy. Yet.

I know I have to get away, do something for myself, take time and reconnect...blah, blah, blah.

You know what? That is so easier said than done. Why? Because even if I could get away and do something for myself I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself or relax because of the guilt. The guilt I feel when I am selfishly taking time for myself while my MIL sits at home and cries. Or when my husband wants all of us to do things together all the time and I feel forced into playing happy. Until you have lived in my situation don't tell me "Oh, just go, just get away for an hour. It'll be fine." Yeah, I'm sure it will. But I don't feel fine doing it even though I desperately need it.

I am at a loss. I know I need help but I can't figure out how to get it. I talk about my MIL needing to let go of the guilt she is carrying but I am such a hypocrite. Because I am carrying as big a load as she is.

And it is slowly killing me.

And I think I'm going off the deep end. And now I have alienated everyone who reads this. If there is any one left that is.

Sorry.

The Year End Quiz

I am totally glowing from Glee's Golden Globe win. It was nice to focus on something good for a change.

Things are so horrible right now, especially at work, I need something to distract me. The Golden Globes helped and I did not get as mad as I usually do when people I want to win don't. Perhaps because so many that I did want to win won this year so I was able to look past the insults of Jane Lynch and Neil Patrick Harris losing to people I do not believe deserved to win. But I digress...

I still need more to distract me. So what better than a mindless quiz to take my mind off things. I know I am well into the middle of January for a Year End Quiz, but this was the only thing I could find that wouldn't take too much effort. Plus I think I feel guilty for not doing my regular year in review posts.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Tried to make a baby

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I stopped making resolutions after high school. I never keep them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law and my good friend J had babies within a month and a half of each other.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My father-in-law

5. What countries did you visit?
None that aren't imaginary in my head

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A baby

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Right now I can't think of any other date than December 1st, the day my father-in-law passed away.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not completely losing my mind over everything

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not taking care of myself and not sticking with our exercise routine

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Fell down the stairs. Not my fault, blame the cats.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My 120gb iPod Classic

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friends. They always know how to keep my spirits up

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to mention here

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, as always. And a house we couldn't afford

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Glee premiering and New Moon

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Poker Face by Lady Gaga

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Sadder, much sadder
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter, much fatter
c) richer or poorer? Pooper, much, much poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating crap

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Playing Bingo with Charming and my MIL and then going to work

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No, but still in love with my hubby, does that count?

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Glee

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I try not to hate anyone but it is so so hard. I strongly dislike several people

24. What was the best book you read?
A Certain Slant of Light by Laura Whitcomb

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The music of Glee

26. What did you want and get?
I didn't really get anything this year, first year I got nothing sparkly. But I did ask for Beatles Rock Band and got that.

27. What did you want and not get?
A baby

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
It's a three way tie between Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, New Moon and Up

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Gulp, 32. And we didn't do much except dinner and then Gordie Brown's show at the Golden Nugget

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
No one dying

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Comfort

32. What kept you sane?
Finding time for myself

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson and Alexandar Skarsgard

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I try not to get involved in politics but I would have to say everyone saying Obama is worthless after he hadn't even been in office for a year.

35. Who did you miss?
My best friend

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My friend J at work. I finally have an ally!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
You never know when your entire life can change in an instant

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

~I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan